Celebrate I'm alive again
by SharilinAlenko
Summary: The Major Kaidan Alenko is finally back on duty on the Normandy SR-2 and the Commander Shepard is totally confused and worried about their relationship. Will they be able to fix the mess between the two of them? Will their love prevail again?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

TIME: 0345

Shepard sighs… She's wide awake in her large, empty and cold bed… exactly like the previous 2 days… Since he was back in the Normandy crew…

He… Kaidan… Alias the Major Alenko…

Only thinking of his name makes her shiver… And then she thinks about his dark hair, now speckled with some gray, that makes him more sexy, if it is possible… his whiskey colored eyes, so intense and beautiful, which make her knees tremble with a single gaze… the dimple on his chin… his awesome body, with is sculptured pecs and abs, his perfect butt...

«Ok, stop this, Commander, get up and do something useful FJC!», Shepard yells to herself.

She gets up and goes to her desk to gather the datapad Liara gave her this afternoon with some updates about their war assets. She tries to focus on the numbers on the display, but without any success.

* * *

_She's been grounded on Earth for about six months, closed in an apartment under arrest. She's almost going out mad: the Reapers are going to attack this planet soon, and she is wasting her time doing nothing, NOTHING!_

_Six months without extranet, without a friendly face, except for a few occasional visit from Anderson, and for her "body guard", Lieutenant James Vega. He is a strange guy, he has to guard her door, to avoid anyone interact with her, but often he enters her room to have a chat, despite of his orders. He is funny, even when he tries to joke doing sexual advances to her, who always refuses telling him that he's not her kind of man, he's too young, such things like this._

_Of course he isn't her kind of man, she likes… she likes…_

_She doesn't want even to think of his name, he made her suffer too much. But in these six months spent doing nothing, all she could do is to think about him, to sing about him, even to watch vids thinking about him. His picture on her desk always remembers her how much she still loves him…_

_«Commander», James enters her room._

_«You're not supposed to call me that anymore James.»_

_«I'm not supposed to salute you either. We've got to go. The Defense Committee wants to see you!»_

_«Sounds important!», finally Shepard can exit from her prison. Out of her quarters, they meet Admiral Anderson, who begins to explain her what's happening._

_They've almost arrived at the Defense Committee «Good luck in there Shepard!», James says to Shepard, who turns toward him to grip his huge hand and to say goodbye to him._

_«Anderson!», someone's calling the Admiral._

_Suddenly the world seems to stop around her: she hears a husky, warm, familiar voice «Shepard…»_

_She catches her breath, unable to move. "Oh God, not now, not here, I'm not ready!", James looks at her with a questioning look. She inhales deeply and she turns toward the lovely voice._

_There he is «Kaidan…», she feels her heart ache but her strong will makes her move forward near him and Anderson acting like nothing strange is happening into her._

_«How's going there, Major?», Anderson asks him._

_«Ok I think, hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now», Kaidan's voice is like a caress for Shepard's hears._

_«Major?», she asks surprised._

_«You haven't heard?», Anderson tells her._

_«No I haven't!»_

_How could she know? She hadn't received any news about him from Horizon and from his unique mail…_

"_God he has become even more handsome! The blue BDUs suits on his sculptured body like a glove… His beautiful dark hair are now a little salt and pepper… Jesus he is a grown man now, a terrible sexy grown man!", she feels her stomach clench, her heart beats like an hammer in her chest, and a shiver of pure desire goes down her spine._

"_Be strong Shepard, you can do this, don't be sad in front of him!", she asks herself in her mind._

_«Sorry Shepard… It's been… Wow…», Kaidan looks embarrassed._

"_No way Shepard, be strong! Don't look into his wonderful amber eyes! DON'T!"_

_«That's ok… Just… I'm glad I meet you Kaidan», she sounds very cold even to herself._

"_That's it Shepard! You're doing right!"_

_«Yeah, me too…», he tries to smile, but Anderson begins again to walk and she has to follow him._

"_Don't look back. Don't look back. Don't look back Shepard!", and she doesn't look back, despite feeling his gaze burning on her back._

* * *

«EDI?»

«Yes Commander?»

«Is there anyone in the mess in the Crew's deck?»

«No Commander, almost all the crew is sleeping.»

«Thanks EDI.»

Perfect, she's a little bit hungry, but she doesn't want to meet anyone, she's too upset, she wants to be alone.

When she reaches the kitchen of the mess, she opens the fridge and with her great pleasure she finds a chocolate cake.

«Oh yeah, this is what I need right now!», Shepard's never loved sweet food, but in certain moments… moments like this, she feels the need of sweet chocolate to ease her sadness…

Because the Commander Shepard, the first Human Spectre, the fuckin' Savior of the Citadel, and blablabla… is sad. She is totally and irreparably sad.

_«Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again», the Major asked her._

_«Couldn't imagine meeting the reapers without you.»_

Why did she answered immediately "Yes?"  
Well, what she said to him was true but… Was it the right choice? Maybe it would be better for him to work with Hackett… obviously it would… And so? Why didn't she decline his request?

As Liara said on Mars, watching him in action, the Major has become a great soldier, very capable, and his biotics are stronger then ever… Of course to have him in the battlefield will be a great improve for the squad… And as a Spectre, the second Human Spectre, he is calm and diplomatic, much more than she is, when there's need to speak with the politician… She HATES the politician…

No… All these reasonable motivations didn't even occur to her when she'd agreed to his request. She wanted him by her side… she WANTS HIM, nothing else matters…

But now, why all this sadness? Why does her heart hurt so much? Why does she barely breath?

Their relationship had always been so complicated…

From the first day they met on the old Normandy, they started with an innocent flirt: brief gazes, shy smiles, brushing fingers, always trying to find excuses just to be closer… and then they understood they couldn't stay away from each other, despite of the fraternization rules of the Alliance.

They made love the night before Illos and it was nothing less than perfect. They totally fell in love… He was Shepard's true love… and she is absolutely sure that he would always be the only one.

Since she'd lost her family on Mindior, she'd never felt affection for anyone else, she never had a home… But with Kaidan she'd felt at home for the first time. He was her strength, her relief.

Shepard takes a forkful of cake but she stares at it while she remembers her feeling when she'd opened her eyes in the Cerberus lab…

* * *

_Noise, alarms, flash of lights, smell of burning… and pain, a lot of pain all over her body… Then a female voice which calls her name, tells her to fight to run away from there._

_From what and from where is she escaping? She doesn't remember anything, she barely remembers her name and how to use a gun. But she runs, she fights and then she escapes from that hell…_

_Now she is in a little shuttle with the woman who managed her escape through the speakers of the base, and another unknown guy… She can't understand what they're saying to her… No it isn't possible… There's must be a mistake… It's impossible she'd died during an attack to the Normandy… She is alive!_

_This woman, Miranda… She's telling her that Cerberus had found her body and they started a project named Lazarus to bring her to life again. What the hell is she saying? Is she the new Jesus?_

_OMG, CERBERUS!_

_«Commander I understand that it is hard to believe», oh no little shiny Cerberus top model, you can't understand «but it is normal, you've been unconscious for about 2 year»_

_Wait… wait… w… what… 2 years…? She'd lost 2 years of her life?_

_Oh… oh… OH…_

"_Help…", she tells in her own mind._

"_I… I can't… breathe…"_

_«Shepard inhale!», Miranda begins to unwrap her armor to allow her to breathe…_

_«The Normandy… ah… my… crew…?», she's almost voiceless._

_«They all made it… or well… almost.»_

_ALMOST… Oh… Her head is heavy…_

_«Who… ah…?»_

_«Navigator Pressly and someone of the support crew.»_

_«And… the aliens… ah…?»_

_«Shepard inhale! They were all safe, the pilot too»_

_Joker, damn it… She's beginning to remember… He didn't wanted to leave the ship, 'his ship'… So she returned back from the pods to drag him away from the destroyed cockpit… When they were back to the pods there was another shot and then she was fluttering in the deep open space…_

_«Shepard please calm down, and breathe! Inhale!»_

_Her body is shivering…_

"_Kaidan… I've left you alone for 2 years… __No no no no no no no…"_

* * *

Shepard is still looking at the piece of cake on the fork, unable to eat it… She takes a long breath and she forces her tears back. She puts the fork in her mouth, but the cake does not taste good, it is so bitter! She gulps down the mouthful and than she returns the rest of the cake in the fridge.

«I was wrong I don't need chocolate… Alcohol is the answer», so she makes her way to the Port Observation for some drinks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Entering the room, which was Kasumi's during Shepard's mission with Cerberus, she goes straight to the right side of the place, without looking at the left side, where there's now a huge poker table: she's already sad, no needs to think how she misses her old-new friends like the stealthy Japanese girl and the spitfire Jack… They're alive, as she knows, luckily.

Not like Mordin and Thane… And there's again another wave of tears that Shepard has to force back while reaching the bar and grabbing a random bottle. She drinks her first glass of purple liquid and she feels the fire going down in her throat, needing more and more… A need that she knows is only psychological: she has always been able to hold every kind of drinks. Bur now, this burning fire seems to help her fight more easily her own tears.

She remembers the first time she'd come there to bury herself in this purple liquid: the night after Horizon. Luckily Kasumi wasn't there, so Shepard could be free to drink, to cry, to curse against him… Against Kaidan, who had broken her hearth into pieces when they met that day in the human colony…

An old song came in her mind, during her delirium and she started to sing it out loud…

_- I cannot fight against myself no more_

_Self destruction that I predicted_

_Not a long time ago_

_Petrified_

_Thoughts so far from me… -_

_- The power of my justice blows me away_

_It's just the case to repeat_

_What I've never said to you before_

_Celebrate_

_I'm alive again -_

"_Yeah I'm alive again Kaidan, celebrate! Cheers!"_

_- See the structure of my pride_

_Wasn't easy to build it away from this_

_I never walked away from you_

_I never walked alone -_

"_YOU walked away from me, and you didn't even have a look back at me…"_

_- A pleasure makes me vibe again tonight_

_I'm just thinking how fine it is to feel myself so fine again_

_Celebrate_

_I'm alive again… -_

"_When you've kept me in your arms… for one moment I thought we could make it again…"_

_- It's time to turn the page and start and then_

_Don't you think that it's time_

_To convince yourself it's over?_

_Celebrate_

_I'm alive again… -_

"_Turn the page and start… Of course… Start another suicide mission to save the fuckin' galaxy again… And this time I'll be alone, Kaidan… You will not be here to keep me in your warm embrace, to be my strength in my moments of doubt… Yeah it's really over!"_

Shepard looks now at her omnitool searching that song «There it is!», and she starts to sing it again…

- Celebrate

I'm alive again… -

Of course, she is still alive, despite the suicide mission in the Collector base, despite what happened at the Bahak system, despite the Reapers' attack in Vancouver, despite Mars… Mars…

"Jesus, Mars...", and another draught of fire slides in her throat "He almost died in front of my eyes… It was… terrible… awful…"

When she saw his face covered with blood, his closed eyes, his motionless body…

"Stop Shepard!", she asks herself filling the glass "Now he's fine and he's here, back on duty in the Normandy", and there she goes again to the problem which doesn't let her sleep.

Her feelings about the Major are so confused… She loves him… Damn it, every inch of herself unconditionally loves him.

_«Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone and... and that I still care. I need you to know that.»_

He told her this when she went to the hospital to visit him after Mars… Shepard didn't know how to tell him. "I was… I AM too afraid of him now… He doubted about me too many times, I couldn't stand it anymore…"

During the Cerberus attack at the Citadel he trusted her and he turned against the corrupt Udina, but the fear she'd felt in having an armed standoff with him… she'll never forget.

_«I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back.»_

The Major promised to her before he'd joined the Normandy, but can she really trust in him? She doesn't know… They didn't ever had a confrontation about all that had happened between them.

Shepard tried to talk to him during his first day back on the Normandy, but when she found him… He was lost in his concern about his family and his students, so she didn't had the heart… instead she got lost in his sad but awesome - as always - eyes…

That night she couldn't sleep thinking of him, reminding all the good times they spent together before… before her death. She still remembers his warmth, his scent, his hands on her skin, the taste of his lips…

«No way Commander! Stop immediately to hurt yourself like that!», she yelled herself like a mantra… But it was useless…

When the morning came, she was so nervous and upset "I need a fight, damn it! But at the moment we're only on a survey journey…"

Their mission on Tuchanka was a success (except for Mordin's death) and now she was waiting to find news about the Quarian Migrant Fleet. So in the meantime they were just exploring the orbit of planets to find any kind of resources useful for the war.

The only idea she had is to go to the Shuttle bay to challenge Vega in an unarmed duel, just to try to relieve her… frustration… What a damn bad idea!

* * *

_«Hey Lola what's up?», James asks to the winning Commander._

_«What?»_

_«Are you ok? You seem so… angry?»_

_«Mmm… Lieutenant you don't like to lose, do you? So you're trying to find out some justifications!», Shepard teases him._

_«Hey hey hey Lola I let you win!»_

_«Oh yes! Sure Mr. Vega! You're a gentleman!»_

_«Of curse I am! I let you win because it seem like you're a little… frustrated!»_

_Shepard raises her eyebrows in surprise…_

_«Yeah I get it! Commander do you miss some… male company? Just ask!», James smirks at her._

_«Thanks for the… offer but I'm a demanding woman, I don't think you'll be able to satisfy me, big baby boy!», she replies smiling and turning her back to the elevator. And… Obviously there he is, the Major standing right there in front of them, his gorgeous eyes staring at her._

_«Or are you thinking about someone specific?», the grin in Vega's face begins to be evil._

_Shepard feels her cheeks burn. «So Lieutenant, are you telling me that you want to clean the men's restroom of the Crew's deck for the rest of the week? Excellent!», and she enters the elevator ignoring Vega's reply and without a look at the Major._

* * *

"Oh yes, very bad idea… Fuckin' Vega!", she thinks while she reaches the second bottle of burning fire.

From that moment on she had begun to avoid meeting the Major, but it didn't work for her sleeping… And there she is… Awoke and still thinking about him.

The sadness and the pain of being without him always were a weight on her heart, since she'd started to work with Cerberus, but unless there was a mission to accomplish, crew's problem to solve, she worked at 100% without allowing her mind to wonder about Kai… the Major.

But now he's here, he's back in her life, he's… real…

"I need him so badly…"

The fire in her throat is useless. She gets up from the bar stool but her knees gives up and she falls to the floor.

Her cry starts slowly but soon begins to be desperate. She grips her mahogany hair with her hands, her head turned down and her breath interrupted by her agonizing sobs.

She doesn't know how much time she has stayed there, a few seconds or minutes… but suddenly two warm hands come from somewhere to cover hers and to rise her head. Her sight full of tears meets the two most beautiful amber eyes she'd ever seen in her life...

* * *

**NOTE: Shepard's song is "Purify" by Lacuna Coil.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_«Welcome aboard Major.»_

_«Aye aye Ma'am!»_

Finally he has made it, the Major Kaidan Alenko is back on duty on the Normandy.

Of course it is not the same ship he used to know almost three years ago: this new Normandy is twice bigger, it is more technologic, comfortable. But somehow he's trying to find places here which still remind him of the good times and the bad times on the old ship, to make him feel less… awkward.

Now it is Kaidans's third day on the ship but he still feels the same way. He has managed to find a quiet place where to work on his Spectre reports in the Starboard Observation.

But he can't concentrate on his work, and deep inside his heart he knows that the problem is not the new Normandy, or its new crew…

* * *

It took too much time to Major Alenko to return to where he had always belonged.

It was a long and painful road from the crash of the first Normandy, the problems with his L2 implant after he had almost gone mad because of the loss of the love of is life, the months passed in shore leave in his parents' house with beer and whiskey as his only company, watching over the English bay thinking of her. It was a slow agony trying to get is life outwardly back and his return again at work acting like nothing had happened to him. Yes, because no one could know his pain of the loss, no one could know that Commander Shepard and him had fallen in love together: their love was forbidden in the Alliance. Kaidan didn't mind to be put in trial for that, but he didn't want the reputation of his beloved Commander to be smirched by people who didn't know anything about their relationship.

So Kaidan had begun to work harder and harder, training his body and his biotics as much as possible, fighting like hell in each mission as it were the last - maybe a part of him wanted that. But he'd always survived, he felt like he deserved it to her, he felt the responsibility to pursue her mission to warn and save the galaxy from the threat of the Reapers.

His combat skills kept on improving, till the day the Councilor Anderson and the Alliance awarded his heroic deeds of the last months promoting him to Staff Commander. Anderson always had an eye on him, since the Commander's death, who was like a daughter to him. Kaidan had never known if he was aware about their love story, but somehow Anderson understood his hidden, terrible pain, and his need to be busy as much as possible, and he managed to get him always on duty.

Right after his promotion, they sent him to the human colony on Horizon, where his life was twisted again. The collectors attacked the colony, but somehow Kaidan managed to not be kidnapped - he didn't ever know how - only to stand in front a ghost… HER ghost!

_Shepard is right there in front of him, the gorgeous smile she gives him when she sees him is nothing less than the perfect copy of all Kaidan's memories, and all he is able to do is to grab her into his arms, to feel her armored body against his, the scent of her beautiful red hair invades him... "Oh my God, she is alive, she is alive, my Shepard is alive, my love is alive…"_

_«It's been too long, Kaidan. How've you been?», Shepard says when he releases her from his embrace._

_Kaidan stops for a moment, his blood turns cold in his veins. «Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened! I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I... I loved you! Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?», his words sounds desperate._

_«Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me…»_

"_What? Rebuilt? Is she crazy? What… I can't believe!", Kaidan's heartbeat begins to be erratic when all of these thoughts come to his mind, and then he sees a freak tattooed woman behind her and… Garrus… "Garrus! Oh my God! She's contacted Garrus and not me!"_

Sooner the happiness he felt turned into anger, and he started to tell her awful things… Things that now Kaidan regrets so much, but at that moment he felt betrayed from the woman he loved more than his own life, so their reunion turned down to be full of rage and rancor…

When he returned to the Citadel, he went speaking to Anderson, in need of answers. The Councilor confessed him that he'd already met Shepard days before and she told him all about her death and rebirth because of Cerberus, about her investigations on the disappeared colonies and her working with Cerberus - WITH not FOR, she stated. Anderson told him that she asked him about Kaidan too, but he couldn't answer to her questions because of her involvement with Cerberus.

"Did she asked about me? Oh…", this thought pursued him in the next days, since he decided to write her a mail about his feelings, it was messy and confused, but so were his feeling that moment…

He never received an answer from her.

* * *

«Major Alenko», EDI's voice from the comm brings him back from his memories.

«Yes, EDI?»

«Lieutenant Vega is looking for you, may I ask him where to find you?»

«What does he want from me?», Kaidan asks a little bit worried…

«Jeff and him are looking for some people for a poker session.»

Kaidan laughs «Tell them I'll join as soon as I finish my reports here!»

«Yes Major.»

* * *

Lieutenant James Vega, a very tough guy. He knew him as soon as he returned in Vancouver, the day before Kaidan finally met Shepard again, the day before the Reapers' attack on Earth, the day before he almost died on Mars… The day before one of the worst days of his life.

He was back from a mission with his students, the Biotic Division.

After Horizon, Staff Commander Alenko kept doing his job even better than before. All his thoughts were about Shepard and her suicide mission through the Omega Relay, and the only thing he could do about it was to excel in all he was doing.

And he definitely did it: his combat and biotic skills were stronger than ever, so the Alliance promoted him to Major and offered him the opportunity to teach and guide the new generation of biotic soldiers, the hope and the future of the human military forces.

It was a great honor for Alenko, and at the same time he was worried about how he could make this work. But again he wondered about Shepard, all the amazing things that she did in her young life, and again his pride overcame his worries: the only thing that mattered to him now was to be a great soldier, so the day he's going to meet her again she would seen a newly grown e capable man.

When Kaidan returned to Vancouver after being away for almost six months, he couldn't believe that during the same time Shepard had returned to Earth and had been placed under arrest to be tried for causing the destruction of the Bahak system and its 300,000 Batarian colonists. And in that moment she was exactly in the same Alliance structure where he was.

Again all his doubts and his fears about her came back to his mind. "No it's impossible. The Commander Shepard I used to know would never slaughter thousand of innocent people. Not without a good reasons. But is she the Commander I used to know?". Kaidan wanted it so bad, but he could not think about what Cerberus could have done to her body and her mind…

He needed answers from her so he decided to go to her apartments, but in front of her door he found a guard standing right there, his arms crossed on his standing large and very muscular chest and a serious look in his face covered by short beard and scars.

_«Is this Sherpard's apartment, soldier?», Kaidan asks to the guard._

_«Yes, Sir», he answers shortly._

_«What's your name, soldier?»_

_«I am Lieutenant James Vega, Sir.»_

_«Listen Lieutenant, I am Major Kaidan Alenko and I am here to talk to the prisoner.»_

_«It is not possible, Sir. No one can have any kind of interaction with her, neither a Major. Admiral Anderson's order», and with this sentence Vega's eyes moves toward another direction like he means "This is over."_

The day after Kaidan finally met her, but it wasn't like he had hoped: she was cold, her eyes wide and her tone unfriendly. She was with Anderson and Vega, and they were going to meet the Defense Committee. It was a brief meeting, but Kaidan's heartbeats suddenly increased as he almost couldn't breath: she was still herself, the most beautiful woman in the world for him, her eyes blue like the sky in a day full of sun, her mahogany long hair gathered up in a bun, her soft lips, her rosy cheeks…

* * *

«Come on Kaidan we're all waiting for you at the Port Observation!», Joker's voice through the comm wakes him up again from his memories.

«Oh, ok ok I'm coming. Are you so eager to lose all your money, Joker?»

«I am eager to have all your money in my pocket, Major!»  
Kaidan laughs while he exits from the room.

Passing through the mess his sight lingers on EDI standing near a table and Kaidan feels his implants fizzle a bit: he isn't still at ease with her new body…

_Shepard has just officially accepted his request to be part of the crew of the Normandy again, and now they enter the cockpit to speak with Joker._

_«Ooooh there you are finally, Kaidan… err… Major Alenko! How about a time! At last do you trust in our Commander again? Are you sure? But have you learnt that aiming a gun against your commanding superior is a very bad thing?», Joker says with his usual sardonic grin._

_«Shut up Joker, this isn't fun! That situation wasn't fun!», Shepard almost growls to him._

_«Joker, if I'm back on the Normandy it's only because I couldn't live without your awesome jokes…», Kaidan tries to lighten the tension and to change the matter of the speech… He knows he will pay a lot his mistrust in Shepard… Damn it._

_«Aye aye Major!», Joker smiles to him «I'm happy to have you back here, like old times right?»._

_«I hope so Joker…», he stares at Shepard with a glance in his eyes full of desire, but her expression is wide, looking at a panel right near Joker._

_Joker notices his look but a faint beep interrupts the words on his mouth, the door opens and a girl enters in the room._

_Kaidan is stuck in his place, all his body is caught by fear and his implants starts to crackle violently: in front of him there is the mech who almost killed him on Mars… His biotic are ready to attack her, but the fear keeps his body petrified._

_He feels desperate, he doesn't know what to do, when suddenly two warm hands cover his cheeks moving his head to focus on another direction: Shepard is staring at him with a deep intense glance in her sky-blue eyes and he locked his own eyes on hers._

_«Kaidan it's all ok. She isn't Doctor Eva anymore. EDI took the command of this body about days ago. We've made all the test needed, and she has the full control of it. It's all right Kaidan, you don't have to be afraid. She will not hurt you. Nothing will hurt you anymore, I swear», her tone is soft and sweet, her face is a few inch from his, Kaidan can feel her breath on his lips. He's totally hypnotized by her, his body relaxes and his biotics fades away. The only thought in Kaidan's mind now is to kiss her and to push her body against his own._

_But Shepard notices he is calming down, so, with a shy look, she walks away from him. Kaidan wants desperately to yell her to return to him, but he sees again the mech… err EDI._

_«I'm sorry Major, I didn't mean to scare you», she apologizes._

_«Now I know it, thanks EDI», Kaidan tries to smile at her, a little upset._

_His eyes begins to look for Shepard again but she isn't there anymore. «What…?»_

_«Don't worry my friend, I'll take care of you, we're going to do a tour in the new Normandy, my baby!», Joker gently pats on his shoulder and asks to follow him._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

While Kaidan is opening the door to the Port Observation, a thought in his mind makes his stomach tremble "Maybe she'll be at the poker table too", but when he enters the room he only notices Joker, James and Garrus.

With a sigh he seats near Joker, ready to play.

«There you are Major Alenko!», James greets him with a smile.

Kaidan sigh again. "There he is".

His 'problems' with Vega started about 2 days ago.

Kaidan was in the Engineering deck after an interview with Allers, who wanted to know more about the second Human Spectre… Such a boring thing! He had always hated being at the center of the attention, and maybe he misunderstood, but the dark haired journalist seemed to be more interested in his personal life than in his career… He noticed she winked at him with a knowing smile and she looked at his back when he left her room but he'd acted like nothing happened…

Obviously she wasn't the first woman who showed interest towards him. He was aware to be an attractive man, but he didn't mind women's attention: since he entered in the Alliance he was always focused on his job. It happened he had some occasional sexual affair, but nothing serious. Then he met Shepard and all his world went upside down: he tried not to think about her, but his need of her was too strong to resist. She was the only woman he ever wanted in his life - even when he thought she was dead - and he still wanted her so badly…

Kaidan was waiting for the elevator when something captured his attention: he turned his back to the elevator and he looked at the window down in the Shuttle bay. There were Shepard and Vega having an unarmed fight.

She was wearing a simple N7 sweatsuit that enhanced her curvy body, her hair were tied in a long ponytail that waved at her graceful movements as her fringe too. She seemed very concentrate, almost angry in each punch she gave to James: the big muscular marine was definitely succumbing to her fury.

"Oh God she is so beautiful!", Kaidan thought almost breathless.

The elevator announced his arrival with a beep, and, without thinking, Kaidan stepped into it and pressed the button to the Shuttle Bay, caught in his need to see her.

When he arrived, they'd finished the fight, Vega was sitting on the floor and Shepard was stretching her arms up her head.

They seemed to have a lively conversation but Kaidan couldn't listen what they're saying, so he tried to get close.

_«… Commander do you miss some… male company? Just ask!», James tells her. Kaidan's heart almost stops._

_«Thanks for the… offer but I'm a demanding woman, I don't think you'll be able to satisfy me, big baby boy!», she replies turning towards the elevator. And then she sees him, her charming blue eyes wide opened in surprise._

_«Or are you thinking about someone specific?», an evil smile appears on Vega's face._

_Shepard's cheeks turns to red and she moves her eyes to focus somewhere else, making Kaidan almost give a groan._

_«So Lieutenant, are you telling me that you want to clean the men's restroom of the Crew's deck for the rest of the week? Excellent!», she says James walking toward the elevator and then she enters it ignoring Vega's reply and without a look at Kaidan._

_The Lieutenant gets up from the floor and comes near him. «Hey Major, did you enjoy the show? She is very hot, isn't she?»_

_«Do you think it is appropriate to talk like that about your commanding officer?», Kaidan asks while a terrible rage is growing within him._

_«Where's the problem? I always tell Lola that she's a crazy sexy woman, it's the truth!». Kaidan can't deny this of course, but listening to Vega calling Shepard 'Lola' made his rage burn inside is chest._

_«Or maybe are you jealous Major?», the evil grin still on Vega's face._

_«Mind you own business Lieutenant!_ _», he growls to him and he makes his way to the elevator, while James is bursting into laughter._

* * *

"Fucking Vega, he understood everything. Damn it!"

«Kaidan, wake up is your turn!», Joker pokes him.

«What's up Major, are you still thinking about your 'reports'?», Vega teases him.

«I was just… thinking what will be the best move to leave you without any of your credit, Lieutenant!»

«Ahahah sure Major, dream about it!», James laughs out loud.

«What a pity that the Commander didn't wanted to join us for a game», Joker states while he's shuffling the deck. «She said she's too busy with work».

«Shepard is in her quarters watching an old vid I found this morning for her», EDI's voice sounds from the comm…

Joker raises his eyebrows in surprise and Vega laughs again. «Sure, she had 'to work' yeah… Really does she think we didn't notice that she's hiding from someone?».

«Stop with that James. If she wants to be alone, she might have his rights», Garrus tells him with a grave tone in his voice.

Another sting in Kaidan's stomach.

"So it's real that she is hiding from me…", he noticed that she had begun to avoid him since that moment in the Shuttle Bay, but he hoped he was wrong…

«Come on Garrus, you may know better than me what's in her mind in this days. Am I the only one afraid for her? Damn it! I spent six months hearing her singing sad love songs, watching old tear-jerker vids, sighing every time she saw the picture on her desk - that she always turned face-down when she noticed my presence. During her arrest she was like a ghost, I almost asked Admiral Anderson if there wasn't a mistake, she couldn't be the badass Commander Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, the first Human Spectre, an N7 operative! So please Garrus don't try to fucking hush me, I've all the rights to be worried about my Commander!», Vega's words were like a knife in Kaidan's heart.

«You don't think I am not worried too, do you? She is my best friend, she's the person I've always trusted more in my entire life. But I know her, I know that she needs her spaces, she needs to think about herself, and she knows that I will always be there for her if she needs me. I KNOW what's in her mind now, of course I know, but there's nothing that me neither you could do about it. Only one person could do something for her, but probably he doesn't understand it. He's too stubborn!», Garrus looks at Kaidan with eyes full of fire.

«Well, I think we're done with our poker tonight. Better we all go to our beds to relax and sleep a little», Joker gets up from his seat and asks Vega to follow him, and they leave together the room.

Now Garrus and Kaidan are alone in the room.

«Listen Kaidan, I don't know what is in your mind. I only know what happened on Horizon, how all you said to Shepard made her heart break, but I also know how you were destroyed when she died and I can only imagine how much you've suffered for her loss. So I don't completely blame you for your reaction on Horizon, but you know, I will always stay at Shepard's side. Now that you're again in her life, she's totally confused, and I know she is afraid of you.»

«Of me?», Kaidan is amazed.

«Of curse she is, you doubted her too many times, she doesn't know how to relate to you anymore!»

«I've made my mistakes, damn it if I know, but I've tried with all my strength to apologize to her, I've tried many times to tell her my feelings, but she hasn't ever answer to me. I thought she didn't want me anymore. When she accepted my request to be reintegrated in her crew it made me so happy and I felt hope again, but now she's hiding from me, what should I do?»

«Only you can find the answer. The only thing that I can tell you is that if you two will not find a way out of this mess, if you'll make her suffer again, I will kill you, Alenko», Garrus is still looking at him with a burning glace.

«Garrus, I swear, in that case I'd wanted you to do that», Kaidan responds to his look with his own eyes burning.

«Great. Good night Kaidan», and Garrus exits from the room.

* * *

Kaidan's head is heavy, his heart aches, his limbs are weak…

James' words… Garrus' words…

_«I spent six months hearing her singing sad love songs, watching old tear-jerker vids, sighing every time she saws the picture on her desk»_

_«Now that you're again in her life, she's totally confused, and I know she is afraid of you»_

His mind wanders through all the things they've said, through all his feeling for her…

He doesn't know how much time has passed while he was just sitting there, without moving, when he barely notices the door is opening...

Shepard enters the room without looking at the poker table, she goes straight to the bar and grabs a bottle of liquor. Kaidan catches his breath…

He can't see her face, she's seating on a bar stool giving him her back. She's dressed with a pair of purple short trousers and a white shirt, her long wavy mahogany hair are tied in loose tail that almost reaches her loins.

"Wow her hair has gone longer than ever… So beautiful…", Kaidan stares at her in adoration.

"What should I do now? Call her name? She could run away again, I don't want that…"

While he's thinking about what to do, Shepard looks at her omnitool and than she says «There it is!», and she starts to sing…

- Celebrate

I'm alive again… -

"Oh… I didn't ever know that she could sing like that… Jesus what a sweet voice…"

Kaidan is petrified in his seat, captured by the woman in front of him. Shepard never stops to amaze him…

The song is finished and she turns her attention to the liquor, taking a second bottle after she's emptied the first one.

Suddenly she leaves her glass on the table and she gets up from the bar stool, but her knees give up and she falls to the floor.

Kaidan listens to her, she starts crying, slowly at first, but soon she becomes desperate. She grips her long hair with her hands, her head turned down and her breath interrupted by her agonizing sobs.

He can't stand it anymore. A rush of anxiety and concern invades him, he gets up from his seat and he dashes near her, taking her hand on his, making her rise her head.

What Kaidan sees takes out his breath: her sky-blue eyes stare at him helpless and full of tears.

«Shepard...»


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Shepard can't breathe.

Her tears falling from her eyes like a waterfall, her hands covered by Kaidan's one, her sight locked to his… «Wh… at…?», she tries to speak but her chest is shaken by her sobs.

«Shepard…», Kaidan's voice is so warm and soft «Try to inhale…»

Her throat is dry, her eyes burn but the tears don't want to stop to drop out.

«Shepard inhale, please…»

She closes her mouth without losing Kaidan's gaze and tries to take a great breath. Her throat hurts so much, but she continues: inhale, exhale… One, two, three…

«Very good Shepard, don't stop.»

Her tears begins to slow down, her chest is getting relaxed… Seven, eight…

Kaidan moves his thumbs under her eyes to dry some tears on her cheeks… She feels his warm breath on her face… Eleven, twelve…

Shepard slowly regains control of her body and her mind…

* * *

Kaidan is hypnotized by her eyes, the despair on her face makes him want to embrace and to caress her, to whisper in her ears words to calm her down…

Thankfully she seems to get relaxed. He continues to watch her in her eyes, drying the tears from her face. He's feeling a little guilty, because he's enjoying so much to stay so close to her, to feel again her hair and her skin under his hands, her sweet scent…

But unexpectedly, she closes her eyes, moves away from him and yells «EDI!»

«Yes Shepard?»

«Why did you lied to me?», she gets up and turns her back to Kaidan.

«I did not lied to you Shepard. You asked me if there were someone in the mess and I answered correctly.»

«You told me that all the crew was sleeping!», her voice still trembles for her crying.

«I said 'almost' all the crew was sleeping Shepard. And you didn't ask me about the Port Observation.»

«Shit!... Ok EDI sorry, it's my fault», she grumbles.

«No problem Shepard.»

Kaidan is still seating on the floor, paralyzed by her reaction… He can't believe… Is she still so angry with him?

_«Now that you're again in her life, she's totally confused, and I know she is afraid of you.»_

_«Only you can find the answer.»_

Garrus' words come back in his mind. He was right, it's definitely high time to clear up the situation.

* * *

Shepard is dismayed, she doesn't know what to do "How could I be so naive not to watch over the room before starting to drink? Oh my God, was he here from the beginning? No no no no no no!"

Her throat still burns for the long crying, all her body is shaken by the shock and the desperation… But she has to do something to escape from that situation.

All her efforts to avoid meeting him… and then he sees her crying like a child, what the hell! "This must be a nightmare… I want to wake up!", she pinches her own hand but nothing happens "Shit!"

So… She gets a deep breath.

«I… I am sorry. You wasn't… supposed to… see… me… like that… It's my fault… I was… focused on… my… thoughts… and I didn't… notice you… here… Sorry Kai… Major». She is still giving her back to him, her voice almost a whisper.

«Please… forgive my… carelessness… and… forget about… everything… please…», she slowly moves toward the door, feeling her limbs and her head so heavy…

«Don't even try to run away from me now, Shepard!», Kadain's voice is firm and immobilizes her…

She doesn't have the time to react… even to think to react: he appears in front of her, preventing her to exit the room.

«EDI, lock the door! The Commander and I are busy right now, no one is allowed to disturb us until I'll tell you, unless of course there would be an emergency! Is it bright clear?», his commanding voice, his grave eyes locked on hers, the stern and bothered expression on his face… Shepard is breathless again.

«It is Major», EDI answers.

Shepard opens her mouth to rise against his orders. «There's no way I'm going to let you out of this room until you explain me what's happening to you», Kaidan seems adamant.

After a moment of silence, Shepard goes past the shock and starts to get angry. She feels her biotics to sparkle in her hands closed in fists and her muscles to tense: she is ready to attack him.

«Are you sure you want to start a fight with me on your ship? You don't think I'm not going to react do you?». His eyes turn to blue while his own biotics start to show up.

They stay motionless, staring to each other without say a word.

Shepard is exhausted because of the loss of sleep and her crying, while Kaidan seems to be absolutely firm and determined standing in front of her.

* * *

"No way Shepard, this time I'm not going to give up. If you want to fight, I will fight for you, I will fight till the end to regain your trust. I can't get over the fact I didn't realize it before: how could I be so blind? You're terrified by me. Oh God, I am a terrible man. But I'll fix that, no matter what I've got to do to succeed!"

Outwardly she seems to understand she couldn't win this fight so she releases her powers. «What do you want from me, Alenko?», she asks exasperated.

Without lowering his defenses, Kaidan answers «I want to solve the mess between the two of us once for all! I want to know what's on your mind!»

She turns her eyes to the ground «I've nothing to tell to you, Major. We have already talked about our past, at the hospital, in front of the Normandy… and we did past through, didn't we?»

«These are bullshit, Shepard! I've tried to talk to you many times about… about my feelings… but you never gave me a straight answer! All I had had from you was 'we're good'! But we aren't good at all! I know you, I know…»

«YOU KNOW ME?», her shout resonates in his hears like a gunshot, interrupting his speech. «Are you fucking kidding me?! You have NEVER known me! Garrus knows me, Tali knows me, Joker knows me… But you… you DON'T!», she begins to walk around the room in a race, staying away from him.

Kaidan, shaken by her reaction, releases his own biotics, and follows her movements with his eyes.

«I thought you knew me, I've opened myself to you like I've never done with anyone else in my whole life. You were the person I trusted more than ever… but I was so wrong!», her voice trembles again.

"Here we are finally… Don't stop Shepard, hit me with that. I'm ready, I will never give up with you again!"

«When we met on Horizon, you were… awful! I was DEAD FJC! And all you could do was to make me feel guilty… for my own death!». She stops and looks back at his face, her eyes wide opened with rage.

«I know Shepard, you're right I was awful. But listen… I swear… I'd reacted like that just because… because seeing you alive in front of me, was… was… unbelievable! So I thought you had not died at all… that Cerberus somehow managed to convince you to feign your death to work for them… God, Shepard, as I told you there, I've passed the two worst years of my life thinking that you, the love of my life, were dead… That I couldn't ever embrace you again, kiss you again, see your smile again… And then you were there alive, and with Cerberus… Even when you told me that you were really dead, and they rebuilt you… how… how could I believe to your words at once, without thinking about it? I was… I don't know… I suffered so much…»

While he's speaking to her, Shepard's eyes turn to be sad and she lowers her tone. «Some days after our meeting, Garrus and Joker told me what happened after my death… It was so strange to listen to the story of my own funeral… They told me how… how you looked like a ghost yourself… how you were totally a mess… Joker said to me what happened to your biotics when you realized that he was alone in the last pod, without me…»

«Well… honestly I don't know how I could survive to all the pain I suffered from losing you… I've stayed several weeks in shore leave at my parents' house without saying a word to them, to anyone… All I wanted was to be dead too… Every night I had only nightmares about you… But… One night when I woke up screaming… I suddenly realized that I was wasting time… that the Reapers' threat was still a reality… and if I hadn't done everything about it, your death would be useless. So… I returned back on duty, and I began to work harder only with that thought in my mind… Otherwise I don't know… I don't know what I would have done…». He feels his own eyes get filled with tears, but he forces them back.

Shepard is still looking at him with a sad glaze «I… I… well… Thanks…»

«You don't have to thank me, I don't deserve it from you. As you said, I was awful on Horizon, even if I explained you why. But… well… ok… that wasn't the only reason I acted like that…», Kaidan feels his stomach stinging at the idea to confess all his weakness to her, but he would not turn down now.

«What else?»

«I… I… almost exploded when I saw Garrus with you… You had contacted him and not me…», he almost whispers.

«No! That isn't true! I met Garrus by chance: the Illusive man told me to recruit a killer of mercs named Archangel that was operative on Omega for my new squad, and only when I went there I found out that it was him. You were the first person I thought about when I woke up from my coma, and you were always the first person I asked about, both to Anderson and to the Illusive man. But they didn't told me anything about you: 'Classified Alliance data'! I went almost mad about that!», she's shouting again moving her hands frantically over her head.

«Now I know that… When I returned to the Citadel I went to Anderson's office and talking with him made the idea of you being rebuilt by Cerberus less… absurd… and then he told me that you asked about me but he didn't answer to you. That day I wrote you an email, but you never replied to it.»

«Oh no, I replied a lot of times… Thousands of times… But… I never sent them…»

Kaidan opens his mouth in surprise. «Wh… what? Oh… but… Why?»

Her eyes turn down to the floor again. «Well… I was… confused… I was so angry and hurt by your words on Horizon… but at the same time Garrus and Joker's words made me more sympathetic about what you've been trough… So all the mails I wrote to you were a total mess… I didn't have the heart to send them to you… And… ah… You wrote in yours that… you… were dating a doctor… so… I thought … ah… I was too late», her cheeks blushing.

«Oh no Shepard, I… I didn't mean it. I saw that woman only one time, just because my colleagues forced me. I wrote it to you because I didn't want to hide anything to you!»

«I understand… but… listen… It'd been 2 years for you… but… when I read your mail… for me… it was like only a few days had passed… since the moments when you and I… we were trying to find a quiet place in the old Normandy to stay together, to embrace, to kiss each other, to… Oh God! And thinking about you and another woman… No… I can't even tell how I felt!». She starts again to walk around the room.

"Damn it… I didn't even think about that… She is right… For me it was almost an eternity of time spent without her, but her… She was in coma all the fucking time!", Kaidan doesn't know what to say to her.

«I… I am so sorry Shepard… I didn't realized that… Damn it… I AM really awful!»

She continues to walk around without saying anything else for a while and he stays there, looking at her, waiting for… for what? He doesn't know…


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Shepard is totally confused. Finally they are about to speak of what really happened on Horizon, and now she doesn't know what to do…

"I was so angry, so angry… But now… I don't know… Maybe I was wrong… No… I WAS wrong… I never really stopped to think about his feelings, even when Garrus and Joker told me all those things… I was angry, hurt, and… jealous! He made mistakes, but so I did", she concludes.

«No, you aren't awful… you aren't at all. I wouldn't feel so bad because of you if you were an awful person!», she halts again to look at him and her heart stops for a heartbeat: the expression on his handsome face is now terrible, sad and gloom.

«Well, probably not… but… I… don't know», his eyes are moist.

"Oh Kaidan… I want to embrace you so badly…"

* * *

"I need to tell her more about what I felt during all that time, she deserves it! I need her to understand how much she meant… and still means to me!", Kaidan is fighting with is own tears.

«Shepard, listen… I swear… There wasn't a single day of my life that I didn't think about you, even after Horizon… You were always… always… always… in my mind. You were the reason I woke up every day, the reason I fought every battle I was in, the reason I kept surviving against everything…»

She sighs, still looking at him. «It is the same for me… Kaidan… I don't know how… but Garrus found a picture of you during his first day on the new Normandy, and he gave it to me. I bought a digital frame and I placed it on my desk… I watched it every day, even when I was back on Earth, under arrest…»

_«I spent six months hearing her sighing every time she saw the picture on her desk - that she always turned face-down when she noticed my presence.»_

«Shepard…», Kaidan moves toward her, and he almost reaches her face with his hand, but he draws it back «About your time back on Earth, I didn't know anything since the day before we met, because I wasn't there in Vancouver. When they told me, I tried immediately to talk to you but James stopped me.»

She raises her eyebrows in surprise «Oh, he didn't told me that! But… don't worry, I knew that no one could interact with me, it wasn't your fault.»

«But then… when we finally met, just before the Reapers' attack… you were… so… cold…»

«Well… yeah… I do… I wasn't prepared to meet you there… When I listened to your voice calling my name I was overtaken by fear… I didn't know what kind of reaction you could have… And then I tried to conceal my fear being… neutral?»

«Neutral… It isn't exactly the word, but I think I understand… Your behavior toward me made me to want to… Oh I don't know what… I was… stuck there for a while, still staring at the door you entered, with James looking at me with his expression 'this guy is loco', you know…». Shepard raises a shy smile and he feels his heart bumps, «and then all happened unexpectedly… The Reapers' attack… there was only confusion, but in that confusion the only thing I could think about was to reach you, to rescue you. You can't imagine the relief to listen to Anderson's call, to know that you was with him, alive.»

«No, I can definitely imagine… because it was the same to me…», her sight wanders around the room embarrassed. «Yeah, Anderson saved my life. I was unconscious, trapped under a debris, he woke me up and helped me to get out from there. During our escape, when he was trying to contact you in his commlink I was holding my breath, and I realized it only when I listened him talking to you…»

"No Shepard… please look at me again…"

«It was… weird to see you on the Normandy, welcoming me aboard on my own ship, the ship that Cerberus built for me! Probably in another circumstance I would have laughed at you», she smiles «But… probably in another circumstance… you wouldn't be there», her smile disappears, making him feel so guilty…

«Well, definitely that wasn't a good circumstance to have a laugh», she continues.

«Yeah, and then we'd got to go to Mars…», Kaidan carries on his issue knowing that it will bring them to another mournful mistake he had done.

Indeed Shepard gets instantly angry again «Shit! What a terrible mission… Damn fuckin' Cerberus, and damn you and your fuckin' suspect about me, my mind and my body fuckin' rebuilt by them! How… how could you accuse me to know what they had done there? How could you have thought that Cerberus had turned me in a husk like his operatives? How could you have thought me like a puppet of the Illusive man? How could you… after all I've done at the Collector base… after all that happened on Earth… after you'd seen me saying goodbye to Anderson!», her voice rumbles all over the room.

Kaidan gets near her and tries to take her hand but she dismisses him with rage. «Don't you dare…», and she moves away from him.

«Shepard, calm down please…», he can't stand to see her like this.

«Listen to me, please… All that I can say is that the idea of you being alive… even after what happened on Horizon… made me hope to have you back in my life… This is what I always wanted… The only thing I ever wished to myself… But… At the same time… I was terrified by the idea to lose you again!»

The look on her face is a mix of anger and confusion «What…?»

«I suffered too much from the loss of you… When I saw you in Vancouver, wonderful as you always had been… All my feelings for you, which I tried to bury inside myself, suddenly spilled over again so strong… But you were so cold… And then there was the attack, the escape, the landing on Mars… There was confusion inside and outside of me… Jesus, I don't even know what I'm trying to say… I was caught by fear and for self defense my mind began again to think that you may not be the Shepard I used to know, MY Shepard… So I would not suffer anymore by your loss, because you weren't you… But… I…», he focus his look on the floor, feeling ridiculous. "What the hell am I saying? This is how I want to fix things with her? Shit! Awful is the fucking word!"

* * *

Shepard is staring at him with eyes wide open, completely thrown by his messy words "I can't understand… Is he telling me that he treated me like a… like a Cerberus spy… like a fucking traitor… because he felt easier to hate me than to admit to love me and to risk to lose me again? What… No… I definitely don't understand. That makes no sense…"

The Major is still looking at the floor without saying anything, and she feels her rage vanish at that sight and she takes a long breath.

"Ok, Shepard, try to be objective. What can you learn from all the things that have been told tonight - or this morning, by now… So… You are afraid of him, because he broke your heart, he doubted about you on Horizon, on Mars… And he was afraid of you, because he didn't really know what Cerberus could have done to your mind and your body. Can you really blame him for it?", she shakes her head.

"No I can't. Anyway he proved to me that he forced himself to trust me again, on the Citadel, shooting Udina only because I told him he was a traitor, without any evidence to show him. He finally believed in me!", she feels her body beginning to relax.

"He almost died in front of my eyes, I almost lost him forever! I remember so well the pain and the fear that day. He has lived with the same feeling for about two years… Why didn't I ever think about his feelings? If he was awful with me, I was awful with him at the same time!", she sighs staring at him still standing in the same posture.

"So, Shepard? At the hospital he tried to tell you his feelings about you, but you didn't want to listen, you were too afraid, too… stubborn! And now? What will you do? You still love him, oh you love him more than your own fucking retaken life, more than everything in the damn galaxy… and so? If there is even a single possibility to be with him again… do you really want to waste it? Maybe you don't deserve it, but he does!". Then another wave of fear invades her "But. maybe he doesn't want me anymore… Maybe I have already wasted my chances with him…", her belly stings at the idea.

"There you are again Shepard, trying to hide yourself. He saw you cry, he comforted you, he dried your tears, he looked at you with his gorgeous whiskey colored eyes full of tenderness, and even when you rejected him again, he faced you with an astonishing boldness and decision. You almost attacked him, you shouted to him with angry words, and he listened to every single thing, he tried to explain himself, he even confessed his worse weakness to you, and now he is still here in front of you. Isn't it love? And even if it is not, however he has proved he is still the awesome man who you have fallen in love with, his integrity and his honesty that you had always admired…", she smiles "My lovely biotic boy-scout!", as she liked to call him when they were together.

Yes, Kaidan always was her reference point, her strength, her rock, even before they got together. His amazing loyalty and devotion to their cause, to the Alliance, to the humanity, to the Normandy crew, to his Commander… it always surprised her during their fight against Saren. And now is she really blaming him for being exactly like that?

* * *

Kaidan feels Shepard's glaze burning is neck, but he hasn't the heart to look back at her. How much time has passed? He doesn't know. He knows that she's trying to… elaborate what he said, and now he feels paralyzed by the fear of what she will do after that.

"I want her, I need her… but probably I've only got things worse… Maybe I should go to the Main Battery room and ask to Garrus to k…"

«Kaidan…», Shepard's hand touches lightly his left arm. He turns slowly his head towards her and his heart rate instantly increases: her face is so near, he can feel her breath on his neck, her expression is kind and a little concerned and her eyes… oh God… her beautiful sky-blue eyes are full of… hope?

«I have to thank you, Kaidan, and I've to apologize with you for being so rough and intransigent with you». Her sweet voice is soft and there's no hint of rage and desperation in it.

"Thank me… what…?", he is totally amazed by her reaction. «Shepard, I was… I am awful… You have nothing to thank me, nothing to apol…»

«Shhh…», she puts her forefinger on his lips.

«Yes, I have to thank you to have found the heart to deal with me when I was only escaping from our problems, and I have to apologize with you because I was focused only on my feelings, I didn't think about yours. Both of us have done mistakes, both of us were awful in this situation. Please don't blame yourself anymore, I am the one who deserves to…»

«No Shepard, never!», his right hand caresses her cheek. «I never wanted you to feel guilty, I just… I want…», her eyes are locked in his.

"Hope? Is it really hope what I'm seeing in her eyes?"

Their faces are so closed, her sweet scent invades all his senses: all his body is filled by desire… by the need of her… need to touch her, to caresses every inch of her skin, to kiss her deeply, to whisper in her ears how much he missed her, how much he loves her, how much he wants her…

There's silence, only the sound of their breaths, of their heartbeats… Her right hand is still on his arm and the other is raising to reach his on her cheek…

«Sorry to interrupt, Major», EDI's voice frightens them making them almost gasp, moving away from each other.

«EDI what the…?», Kaidan has almost cursed against the Normandy's AI.

«You told me you didn't want to be interrupted unless there would be an emergency.»

«What's happened, EDI?», Shepard's voice turns to be professional as her Commander rank needs.

«I've detected an anomaly on the planet we're surveying, it seems to be an emergency request for help from an Alliance ship crashed there and under assault by the Reapers' forces.»

«How much time will it take to get there EDI?»

«About 20 minutes»

«What time is?»

«0715.»

«Wow! So late! Ok, EDI, tell Garrus to be ready in 15 at the Shuttle bay.»

«Of course Commander.»

After a moment of silence Kaidan grumbles. «It's obvious that EDI is suffering from Joker's bad influence… Fuckin' killjoy man!»

Shepard bursts into laughter enthusiastically and he feels his heart melt down.

«I've missed your laugh so much…», he almost whispers with a smile.

She blushes staring at him.

«Well… Major… Ehm… Ok. Suit up and be ready in 15 at the Shuttle bay with Garrus. Let's see if your implants are up to shape again after your lazy days at the hospital!»

«Aye aye Ma'am!», Kaidan smiles at her, feeling relieved to see her smiling, «And, Shepard… That… isn't over…»

She glances shyly at him «I definitely hope so Major», she murmurs while she's turning toward the door.

«Err… EDI unlock the door!»


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

James is at his desk in the Shuttle bay, trying to do something useful while he's waiting for his squadmates' return from the mission.

He is a little bit concerned about the situation.

He had noticed that there had been something between the Commander and the Major in the past, something important that makes her still suffer.

During the months he was her guard, while she was under arrest in Vancouver - as he said at the poker table - Shepard had seemed more like a girl with a broken heart than the most famous badass Commander of the Alliance.

At that time he didn't know whose the fault was of her distress, though Vega never minded about romance: he isn't the kind of "one woman" man. He has so much… love to give that it seems wrong to him not to share it with as many women as possible!

But the day of the Reapers' attack, when he saw the anguish in Shepard's eyes when the Major called her name, the sad look he gave at her when she left the room, their quarrel on Mars, and then her desperation when the mech almost killed him… the situation became so clear to James.

He didn't ever have the heart to ask what happened, also because there are regs against fraternization in the Alliance and he didn't want to put his Commander in trouble.

Somehow he started to be fond of that crazy girl, who turned to be a human typhoon in the battlegrounds, the strongest and most powerful soldier he had ever seen.

Now Alenko is back on duty on the Normandy, and Shepard seems to be panic-stricken and frustrated. He wanted to help her and so he started to tease the Major, till the last night, when he spoke almost frankly in front of him. Perhaps he went too far, but he has always been a spitfire…

But that isn't the reason of his concern… This morning when Shepard didn't call him for the mission, he thought she would bring EDI with her and Garrus (who is almost always in her squad, they're a very good killer-team!)… He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Alenko with them.

Of course he didn't become Major without credit, rather James knows his extraordinary deeds during the last three years, since he was in Shepard's squadteam against Saren and the Sovereign till he became one of the most powerful biotic of the Alliance and the second Human Spectre.

However James noticed that Shepard was hiding from him, so this was strange… "Wait, Lola is a professional commanding officer, and Alenko is a great soldier, and he has just come back on the Normandy, it's obvious that she has chosen him. In addition, he had been weeks out of combat because of his 'incident' on Mars, maybe the Commander wants to test if he's totally recovered and operative."

But there was something different between the two of them while they were wearing their armors: they seemed… embarrassed and awkward. She was glancing furtively to Alenko while he was busy, and he was doing precisely the same thing with her while her attention was focused elsewhere.

«Beware at the Shuttle bay, the Zodiac is coming back on Normandy, opening the deck in 5!», EDI warns him.

* * *

«Wow! Wow! WOW!», Shepard can barely hold back her enthusiasm while she's getting out of the shuttle «That. Was. AMAZING!»

«Yeah, it was!», Garrus nods satisfied following her.

«What's up, Lola?», Vega approaches them.

«James! You can't imagine! You've lost a great fight! Yuhuuuuu!», Shepard's shining smile almost glares him.

"Wow I hadn't seen a smile like this from about… Well… Never! What the hell?", he is totally astonished.

«Oh wow, Lola, calm down! Is it not possible that you had a good fight without me there!», he tries to conceal his surprise.

«There you are, my swellhead Vega! I'm sorry to hurt you but yes, I didn't enjoy a fight like that since a long long time!». She turns her head to smile to Alenko who's exiting from the shuttle. «You know, the Major's biotics skills are so impressive! It wasn't like the old times… It was so much better!»

«Well, thank you Commander, but your Vanguard abilities are nothing less than exceptional! Damn! Your Biotic Charge is amazing! I haven't ever seen anyone doing such things like that!», his voice is excited as hers.

«Thanks! My new L5x implants are quite good… I usually don't use the charge so much, it's powerful but also hazardous: if I charge and then use my Nova ability, my shields stay down for a while, leaving me defenseless. But with your awesome barriers I felt free to charge and 'boooom' everywhere, it was so so so great!», she raises her hands thrilled by the emotion.

«As I promised you, Shepard, I've got your back», he makes her a warm and reassuring smile and James notices that it makes Shepard blush for a moment.

"Uh-uh…" James thinks.

«Mmm… Yes Major, you do… Ehm…», she seems embarrassed but after a while she starts again. «And your Reave skill?! Samara, the Justicar who was with us during our mission against the Collectors, sometimes used it, but it seemed nothing special… But you… Wow! You use it with an unbelievable mastery! It is awesome, isn't it Garrus?»

«Of curse, Alenko, you're going to be a great Justicar!», Garrus teases him, and they all start to laugh.

«Thank you Garrus, I'll think about it!».

«Anyway, I've to admit that, while I was busy to save those two biotic butts of yours, I enjoyed the show: it was a real mess, with Shepard charging and exploding far and near, and Kaidan's blue beams everywhere. You're right, Shepard, even better than the old times. Good job Major!», Garrus gently pats on Kaidan's shoulder.

«Guys, if you are going to carry on with all these 'amazing' 'awesome' 'unbelievable' I'll become jealous!». Actually James IS jealous, they seem to be so satisfied that he is wanting so badly to have been there with them.

And… Shepard? She is so happy that he can't stop thinking the reason isn't only the mission. He's continuing to think about her strange behavior after the mission, her dreamy looks at Alenko…

"Is it possible that my words at the poker table have shaken the Major and he has finally decided to make his move towards her? But… When?". They'd finished with poker at late night and this morning they left for the mission at 0740…

«Sorry Vega, you're right», Shepard turns to be serious «The mission was a success, but unfortunately there were no survivors from the crash. Anyway we found some useful data and resources from the debris. EDI, how's going the survey in this planetary system?»

«We've only a planet left to scan, then we will be ready to leave, Shepard.»

«At what time should we be back at the Citadel?»

«If the last scan will be negative, we'll be docking tomorrow at 1130.»

«Good, EDI, tell Joker that we're heading again to the Citadel when the scan ends.» Shepard goes at her locket and starts to take off her armorsuit. Alenko and Garrus follow her.

"Shit, the curiosity will kill me! But I can't ask nothing, if I am wrong I could hurt her again, and I don't want that… also because Garrus probably would kill me!"

The Turian is very protective of Shepard, even if he hides it in front of her: she doesn't like to appear fragile and in need of help. But James knows that their friendship is very strong, and Garrus is always ready to keep her safe and to encourage her, like an elder brother.

"What can I do now? Mmm… Ok let's try this now!"

James sneers to her «So, Commander, are you 'busy' even tonight?», he says raising his forefingers to make the 'quotation marks gesture'.

She stops and stares at him with a questioning look. «Of course, I've got a lot of reports to write for tomorrow. What do you want James?»

«Well, I realized that we haven't celebrated the return of Alenko on your crew, so maybe we can celebrate his first official mission on the Normandy, especially because it was so exciting like you told. What do you think, Lola?»

Shepard seems to be upset. «Oh… Do you want to do a party?»

«No, not really… I was thinking about having some drinks at the Port Observation, maybe to play poker, while the three of you tell about your 'old times' together fighting Saren. You know, till now I've only listened Garrus' version of the story, and I don't know how fair he is when he talks about his own actions!», James grins at the Turian who snorts to him.

Shepard gives a fast look at Alenko, who is staring at her hopeful but without saying anything.

«Please, Lola, can you give us the honor of your presence this night? Come on, don't make me beg you!", James looks at her with puppy eyes.

She pinches the bridge of her nose and she closes her eyes meditative.

"I did say the right things, didn't I? Damn, I hope I've done nothing wrong...". James feels concerned again.

«All right, Vega, you win. I'll be there tonight. Let's celebrate, I think you all deserve a little time of carelessness!», she states.

«Commander, you deserve it more than anyone in this ship!», Vega smiles at her.

«I don't know if you're right… anyway, thanks, James! But now… I need a shower! See you later men!», and she leaves the deck.

«Yes!», James exults, and then he blinks to Alenko. «Prepare your credits Major, this night we're going to have so much fun! And also prepare your stomach, you're going to taste my special Tequila!», he feels a little guilty, because of the way he treated him last night, even if probably it had been useful somehow.

Kaidan nods friendly at him and enters in the elevator.

Vega stares at Garrus «That was a good idea, wasn't it?».

The Turian is working at his sniper rifle, and without a look at Vega he says: «Maybe you are not totally a fool by the way. But if you are going to say something wrong or inappropriate like yesterday, you know I will take care of you, don't you?»

«I do, but thanks for warning me!».


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Now that Shepard is back in her cabin, she suddenly feels the exhaustion for all that happened to her this day, mixed to the adrenaline that still rushes into her body after the mission.

"Wow, Kaidan's combat skills are really good!"

She didn't noticed it on Mars, because of all the chaos in her mind and in her heart, after the attack on Earth, the goodbye to Anderson, and the dreadful questions the Major asked her about Cerberus.

But today she was able to pay attention to him, and he was… really AMAZING. She felt so safe, with him watching her back, that she was also damn good downing all those fucking husks.

He definitely deserves to be a Spectre and Major, and surely he is a great teacher for his students of the Biotic Division. Then she remembers his sad eyes when he told her that he couldn't find out where they were…

Her heart stings for a moment… She takes a deep breath and takes off her boots, her suit and her underwear and she goes straight to the bathroom.

When she turns on the shower, the hot water slides on her naked skin making her relax, but her body starts to shiver… Despite the fact she's tried all the time not to think about the last night… now the words said between her and the Major come in her mind all together.

She can't understand how she's really feeling now… Guilty, relieved, bewildered, hopeful, concerned…

"What a mess in my mind! God…", but finally… there is no more pain! Now she can think of him and say his name without feeling his heart aching as if a knife had penetrated it.

She remembers their faces so close, his breath on her lips, his heart beating under her hand on his chest, the warmth of his own hand on her cheek, their eyes locked into each others'… She almost cried out her need to kiss him, to taste him again…

If only EDI hadn't interrupted them… What would have happened between them? She doesn't know…

Her heartbeat starts to quicken, so she tries to concentrate on washing out the dirt and the blood of their last enemies from her hair. She closes her eyes to prevent the shampoo to sting them, and she starts to remember the times Kaidan joined her in the shower, during their days in shore leave on the Citadel after the battle against the Sovereign.

He liked so much to wash her hair, rubbing softly her head, kissing slowly her lips, digging his fingers to rinse out the shampoo and than moving them down her neck, her shoulders, her back…

"Shit, stop thinking about such things Shepard!", and she focus her attention on washing her own body.

During this operation she looks at her tattoos, at least at those she can see: the Alliance logo on her right ankle - that she made the day she enlisted in the military forces - the black skull on her right wrist - it is her only tattoo without a personal history… but the fact she always loved skulls… yes maybe it's a freak thing, but who knows!

Then her eyes go on her left breast, to her most important and personal tattoo. It was made on a personal drawing of hers, and it represents her family: interwoven curves surround three little stars, which are her father, her mother and her little sister Michelle…

Shepard decided to do this tattoo on her breast because she wanted it to be near her heart, and also because she didn't want anyone to see it. Even during her… occasional sexual affairs, she had never let her partner of the moment observe it, turning down the lights or even without taking off her top. Since it had been only free sex… only a way to enjoy a moment to relax and not to think about her work and her lonely life.

Kaidan is the only man who knows her tattoo and its meaning, who has seen it, who has kissed it several times…

And now one of the curves distinguishes itself by being added later, leading to a little broken heart.

Shepard sighs… She added that part to her tattoo after Horizon… Maybe it was a stupid thing, but at the moment it seemed to soothe a little her pain about losing him. She knew that no matter what he said to her, she would never love another man in her life, so she wanted an indelible sign of it on her skin.

"Who knows what he would think about it…"

Wait… Is she really thinking about the possibility that Kaidan would ever see her naked again?

She feels her cheeks burn like hell.

Well, despite of what they've been through, and despite her belief that he did move on with his life without her… deep in her heart there's always been a little hope to be together with him again, somehow… And after the last night, this little hope has grown and turned to be so big, and now it's fighting with her own rationality.

Shepard turns off the shower… again some memories come back in her mind, about how Kaidan used to be always the first to get out of the shower, to be able to surround her wet body with a towel and to embrace her sweetly, drying off all the water from her slowly and gently, looking at her with his wonderful eyes full of love, murmuring her first name with adoring tone in his voice…

«Damn!». Shepard exits from the bathroom and goes straight to her wardrobe to gather something to wear.

"Oh God, James' party… What should I wear? BDU's? Shit, who cares?", then she chooses a pair of red trousers and a black N7 T-shirt. She looks herself in the mirror of the wardrobe: they are fitted on her body, highlighting her curvy shape. "Maybe they are too risky?", then she wonders about the Major's eyes looking up and down at her… and she closes the wardrobe.

"What the hell is happening to me? Till yesterday I was almost a ghost, and now I'm concerned about what I've to dress on my own ship to look… nice?"

_«I saw that woman only one time, just because my colleagues forced me.»_

_«I've tried to talk to you many times about… about my feelings… but you never gave me a straight answer!»_

_«There wasn't a single day of my life that I didn't think about you, even after Horizon… You were always… always… always… in my mind. You were the reason I woke up every day, the reason I fought every battle I was in, the reason I kept surviving against everything…»_

The Major's words come again in her mind. "Afterwards, he did not move on without me…"

_«After the Reapers' attack… there was only confusion, but in that confusion the only thing I could think about was to reach you, to rescue you.»_

_«All that I can say is that the idea of you being alive… even after what happened on Horizon… made me hope to have you back in my life… This is what I always wanted… The only thing I'd ever wished to myself…»_

"Does he really still want me?"

_«And Shepard… That… isn't over…»_

Her entire body shivers at the idea of continuing their conversation…

How is it possible to love so much another person? She had never felt like that, never in her entire life, before she knew him almost three years ago. She had met a lot of men, many of them very attractive, smart and even funny… But no one of them ever made her feel such kind of emotions.

Her mind, her body, her soul… Every inch of her loves the Major Kaidan Alenko, and loves him so much to hurt herself. She wants him, she needs him. And now with this new hope in her heart she feels overwhelmed by her own feelings…

«Shepard», EDI voices wakes up from her musings.

«Yes?»

«We've already finished the scan, we're going to return to the Citadel as you whished.»

«Thanks EDI.»

«James and Jeff want you to know that they'll be waiting for you at the Port Observation at 2200.»

«And what time is it now?»

«1812 Shepard.»

«Thanks again EDI. I'll be there in time.»

«Ok Shepard.»

"Who knows what's in James' mind… Celebrate Kaidan's return on the Normandy? What a lie… Well, anyway it is a good idea… Even if we're in a war, we're only humans… And the crew deserves a little moment of fun."

She knows that James arranges to play poker with someone almost every night, and sometimes she has joined him, but she isn't good at that game, so she didn't enjoy so much to see Vega to buy up all her credits.

"Wait… maybe yesterday the Major has joined him to play poker too… So that's why he was in the Port Observation… But… It was so late, and he was alone… Why did he stayed there?", she can't find an answer.

Her attention is captured by the picture frame on her desk. When she approaches it, Kaidan's face appears in front of her. In this picture he is younger than now, like he was when they first met.

Looking at it, Shepard realizes again how much he has grown in this years. He has still the same handsome face, but at the same time he has a mature look, the boy he was left the place to the man he is now, and this is highlighted by the little of gray that now speckles his dark hair. She has always liked his hair, and now she finds it even more sexy.

"Oh… How much I'd like to dig again my fingers in his curls…", she thinks while she passes her forefinger on the picture.

Then finally a faint beep from her terminal reminds her that she has a lot of work to do.

"Maybe it wasn't wise to accept Vega's invitation tonight, I'm late with my reports…", but, after those days of suffering, the idea to pass some pleasant hours with his friends… with HIM… Well… She couldn't really refuse.

In addition, she's pretty much sure that she will not be able to sleep this night, with all this thoughts in her mind, so if she doesn't finish her reports before going to the Crew's Deck, she'll have the rest of the night to finish them.

"Come on Shepard, don't be lazy anymore and start to work!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Silence, quiet, peace… Looking at the stars outside the window in the Starboard Observation usually makes Kaidan feel all this sensations… But at the moment this endless view doesn't succeeds to calm down all the strong feelings which are overwhelming his mind and his body.

All he can to think about is Shepard.

His beloved Shepard.

The woman who had stolen his heart since the first time he saw her, and who had brought it with her even when she was dead. He was totally lost without her, he can never forget the terrible pain that almost killed him too in those two years.

Then he saw her alive again, and then there were been months of confusion, fear but also a little, desperate hope to have her back to him.

And now… after the last night he understands that that hope is bigger than he thought, and that probably she feels the same way too…

"I was a real fool, I should have spoken to her when I just arrived on the Normandy, or even before. All these days, after all those months… years… without her… what waste of precious time! Garrus is right, I was too stubborn… But I've all the intentions to not waste time anymore."

It was great to be back on the battleground with her and Garrus 'like old times'. He was so grateful to be again with them: there was where he belongs. The three of them were always a very damn good team, with Garrus in the rear to watch their six with his sniper rifle, Shepard in the frontline and Kaidan behind her supporting and protecting her.  
But today… today was really amazing, like she said to Vega. He was so calm and concentrate, his biotics never worked so well, and his attention was all focused on Shepard's security.  
Her new Vanguard abilities astonished him, she had fought like a force of nature, downing all the enemies without hesitating. Sometimes she glimpse at him with a revealing look in her eyes, as she wanted him to know that she was feeling really safe thanks to him, and he felt like he was at home again.

All that he wanted, since he understood he was totally in love with his Commander, was to protect her, to be her strength, her relief, her support, her safe place to return to.

During the brief time they spent on the old Normandy he tried to be all of these things to her, but he was still too young, and their time together was so short…

Now Kaidan will not fail in his purpose, he will show her that he is a real man whom she'll be able to always count on, and as Major and Spectre he could be her 'right-hand man' on the Normandy and with the Council and the Alliance. "I know so well how Shepard hates to deal with politicians", he thinks smiling.  
"Shepard…"

He starts to remember that morning, the last moments before they've been interrupted…

Kaidan's chest quivers for arousal thinking of embracing her again, to smell her sweet scent, to kiss her full lips, to taste her soft tongue, to undress her slowly, to see her body, to caress her naked skin, to listen to her murmuring his name full of desire, to feel her shiver of pleasure under his own body…  
"If only there wasn't that emergency on that planet…"

But maybe it was better that EDI had interrupted them: that wasn't the right place and the right moment…

Kaidan had dreamt to be together again with the love of his life so much times, that if it will happen he wants it to be special…

_«And Shepard… That… isn't over…»_

When he said it to her, he knew exactly what he wanted to do, but he couldn't know when he would be able to arrange his plan. Then Shepard had decided to return back to the Citadel tomorrow, and now he feels so lucky!

He tapes something on his omnitool, but now he's hesitating on the 'send' button.

"There is going to be Vega's 'celebration', maybe it would be better if I wait to see how it will going on…", so he presses the 'save' button and he leaves the room for the Port Observation.

* * *

When Kaidan enters in the room, there are already some unknown crew's people, and, seated on the couches, James and Joker with EDI, Specialist Samantha Traynor and Lieutenant Steve Cortez. He doesn't know the last two very much, he barely remembers their names…  
«Hi Kaidan, you're early today!», Joker greets him.

«Are you so excited about… your celebration?», James makes his almost well-known grin.

«Well, is that a problem? Did I interrupt anything? And… really, Vega… Are you trying to tell me that your idea of 'celebrating' my return wasn't a simple excuse to be authorized by the Commander to do merrymaking tonight?»

«Of course it's not a problem, you're welcome Major!», Cortez gets up from the couch and holds out his hand to him «Don't care anything about this bumpkin!», Kaidan replies to the gentle gesture of the Lieutenant.

«Major, why do I have to invent an excuse? It's a great honor for all our Crew to have you there!», James smiles innocently, «I was only waiting the right moment to convince the Commander to join us an evening… She seemed so… busy in the last few days!»

«Or maybe she is tired to lose all her credits playing poker with you, James», Traynor copies Cortez's gesture towards Kaidan «Welcome Major!»

«Thanks to everybody», he feels a little uneasy, with all the people there paying attention to him: he's always been a discreet man who likes to stay on his own, but he knows this will last only till Shepard will be there too.

«I've known that the last mission was very exciting, wasn't it, Kaidan?», Joker asks friendly to him.

«Yes, definitely. It was very good to fight again with Shepard and Garrus!»

A faint sound warns them that the doors are opening and Kaidan's heart starts to speed up. When Liara and Diana Allers enter the room, he almost can't hide his disappointment and… "God not that journalist again!"

«Please Dr. T'soni why don't you want to give me a brief interview about your 'mysterious' work here on the Normandy?», Allers chases the poor Asari.

«Because I don't think that your Human audience is interested about a single Asari who only wants to help her old friends to take down the Reapers», Liara seems to be so much annoyed by Allers' question, and it is understandable: her identity as Shadow Broker is known only by a few persons, like him, Shepard, Garrus, Vega, Joker, Admiral Hackett and EDI of course.

Luckily for Liara and unluckily for him, the journalist notices his presence in the room and she immediately leaves the Asari to dash towards him «Major, what a great pleasure to see you!», she smiles engaging to him.

«Thank you…», Kaidan wants to run away but he's swamped by her attentions.

"Help!", he thinks looking around the room… then a big strong hand grips his left shoulder.

«Diana please, don't try to monopolize our guest of honor! I've invited you because I thought that you might feel a little bored closed all the time in your cabin, but I've promised to me that tonight you wouldn't act like a… damn journalist, but you would only enjoy the company!»

Kaidan's jaw almost drops because of his surprise: unbelievably, Vega comes to rescue him from her!

«Of course, dear James! To enjoy the company is exactly what I wish to do this night!», Allers winks at him.

«Sorry, but the Major is off limits!», and he forces Kaidan to follow him to the bar, leaving her bewildered.

«Come on, Alenko, I've promised to you my special Tequila!», he is still surprised by his last action, and James seems to notice that, «Hey, I couldn't know that the journalist was interested in you, otherwise I wouldn't have invited her tonight. I don't want Lola to get upset again, damn!»

So Kaidan starts to understand that he really cares about his Commander… Maybe James teases him all the time because he is concerned for her and that is his… way to show his affection to her… "This guy is really crazy!", but his dislike towards him disappears.

«Thanks James!», Kaidan says taking the glass from his hand and drinking the liquor… «Ouch!»

«Eheheh, not bad, eh Major?», he blinks at him.

Then Kaidan's stomach starts to flutter, and not because of the strong Tequila: the sweetest laugh of the galaxy invades the room, the laugh that always permeates all of his good dreams about its owner…

Shepard has just arrived at the Port Observation with Garrus, but Kaidan can't listen to what are they talking about, because all of his attention is entranced by her sublime laugh.

He turns himself to watch her: she is arm to arm with the Turian, a friendly look in her face, her beautiful red hair is tied in a long ponytail and she's wearing a pair of red trousers and a black N7 T-shirt which are perfectly fitted on her curvy body…  
"Oh my God… She's wearing a simple sportive outfit and she's the same so damn sexy!", Kaidan is breathless.

«Commander! I'm so glad you are here!», Traynor's ringing voice interrupts her laugh.

«Thanks Traynor…», Shepard doesn't pay much attention to the woman, and she starts to watch around the room as if looking for someone…

Then her eyes meets Kaidan's, and she gives him a large smile that almost makes his heart stop. She leaves immediately Garrus' arm and goes straight to him: «Good evening Major! Are you ready for your celebration?», she asks him gently.

He is still overcome by the strong sensations she had unleashed on him with only her presence in the room, his mouth is dry and he can't speak. By chance she notices Vega's Tequila: «Oh shit James, this isn't fair! You've started to drink your special Tequila without waiting for me!»

«Sorry Lola, but the Major here seemed to need some fuel to start the night!», and he fills his glass again, which Kaidan drinks gratefully, half regaining the control of his mind and his mouth.

«Oh… I understand… Kaidan has always hated to be at the center of the attention!», she smiles again to him.

"She still knows me so well…"

«Come on James, I know we're here to celebrate Alenko, but I'm thirsty of Tequila!»

«Aye aye Lola, my special Tequila incoming for you!», and he gives her a glass too.

«Yuhuuu!», she giggles drinking it.

«Commander, have you already finished all your reports for tomorrow?», Traynor appears near her.

«Well… honestly… I don't. But I will have enough time to finish them before we arrive to the Citadel.»

«Commander it would be a honor for me if you let me help you!», Traynor's expression is full of hope.

"What…? Oh no… Another Liara chasing my Shepard?", Kaidan feels the jealousy to grow strong inside his chest. He looks towards the Asari, who is talking friendly with EDI seated near her.

The Major remembers so well the times on the old Normandy, when they saved the young archaeologist specialized in Prothean culture. Since the beginning of her stay on the Alliance ship, she had immediately showed her interest for Shepard, an interest other than professional, and Kaidan was consumed by jealousy, because he was afraid of her and he couldn't show his own feelings to his Commander without breaking fraternization rules. Thankfully for him, Shepard didn't ever returned the same kind of interest in Liara, and so they turned to be good friends, and their friendship still lasts.

Now seeing this young Specialist talking so excitedly to their Commander gives him a bad déjà vu.

«Specialist Traynor, thanks for your offer, but I don't think you could help me», Traynor's eyes turn to be sad. «Anyway, your work at the CIC is vital for our mission and I need you operative at 100% without any other distraction!», she smiles gently and pats on the girl's shoulder, who seems to be a little comforted, «As the commanding officer of the ship it's my job to do reports…»

«Wait… Lola… what kind of report do you always have to do? For the Alliance and for the Council?», James interrupts her.

«Of curse», Shepard answers to him drinking another glass of Tequila.

«Well, why don't you work with the Major? He is an Alliance official and a Council Spectre too… Maybe the two of you should helping each other in your reports!», James pours again the Tequila in all their glasses.

Kaidan is totally shocked again by Vega's words, how he's trying to… help them reconcile?

Shepard stares astonished for a moment at her glass, then she gives him a shy look. «Probably this is not a bad idea, is it Major?»

He almost cries out his joy listening to her words. «I will be so glad to work with you Commander. Actually you do most of the work alone, but I am here to help you, not only in the battleground», he says to her, trying to recompose himself and giving her a warm smile.

She blushes to him «Thank you Major. So… from now on I will update you about all the red tape.»

«Aye aye Ma'am», he smirks at her.


	10. Chapter 10

**_This is the last Chapter!  
__I'm going to quote .com's fanfic "At Grissom Academy" because __I found it so great, and I like to think that it really happened to "my" Kaidan. Thanks so much to Shenkodrabbles to have given me the permission! :)_**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

As the night goes on, all the people in the Port Observations seem to enjoy themselves. As Kaidan has forecast, despite Vega's idea to 'celebrate him', all the attention of the crew is focused on Shepard, except for the journalist.

During the first part of the evening, he had to escape many times from Allers' advances, but he was so glad to see Shepard glancing at her with eyes full of fire… "Maybe I am not the only one jealous in the room…"

All at once the journalist had received a message on her omnitool, and, cursing against it, she had to apologize and to say goodbye to him and she returned to her cabin. He felt so relieved, and he looked at Shepard who was having a debate with Garrus about the calibrations of the last shot gun she brought on the Citadel, and his attention was captured by Edi and Joker, seated near James, that was watching Allers exiting the room with a satisfied grin.

"Wait… I can't believe… Did they manage to do anything to free me from her?", the Lieutenant turns to look at him and gave him a knowing blink.  
"Yes, they did. I would never thought I might be so grateful to Vega…"

After that, James succeeded to convince Shepard to join the poker table, and there they are now, with Garrus, Joker and Cortez, plus Traynor, Liara and EDI as public.

* * *

«Oooooooooh come on! Shit! That's impossible! James, you're a fucking cheater, that's it!», Shepard throws her card on the table very peeved.

«Uhm… Someone told me some days ago 'Lieutenant you don't like to lose, do you? So you're trying to find out some justifications!'… Can you help me to remember who told me this, Lola?»

«Fuck you Vega! I am Commander Shepard, I'm the hero of the Citadel, the first Human Spectre, I can't lose every time at this fucking game because of your cheating!», she hits the table with her right fist.

«Ahahah the mighty Commander Shepard can't win at poker against a simple Lieutenant! It might hurt you so much, hey Lola? Ahahah!»

«Wow! So we've found out the only weakness of our Commander… She can't play poker!», Cortez smiles gently at Shepard but she almost burns him with her eyes.

«Well, at least she has almost two weaknesses!», Liara teases her too.

«What?», the Commander looks at her surprised.

«You can't… dance!», the Asari starts to laugh, but Shepard makes her a evil grin.

«Sorry Dr. T'soni, but you're wrong. I've improved a lot my dance skills during our Cerberus journey! I had a very good and sexy teacher here on the Normandy SR2!», she blinks to her.

"Good and sexy teacher…", here the jealousy comes again for Kaidan… "Damn it…"

«Really? He must had been some kind of… wizard to succeed in making you dance like a Human being and not like a… husk!»

«Thanks Liara for your 'good words'… Of course my teacher wasn't a wizard… at all!», she starts to laugh, while Joker and Garrus sigh.

«Yeah, now you can laugh… But when you two fucking crazy biotic almost had done a huge hole in the small quarters on the Engineering Deck during one of your 'dancing night'… that wasn't funny!», Joker reproaches her.

"Good, sexy and biotic… Who the hell is he?", Kaidan clenches his fits…

«Oh Joker… you're exaggerating as usual! Jack was only showing me her best biotic dance move… and I tried to emulate her… but I used too much… emphasis in the 'biotic' part!», she continues to laugh.

"HER? Oh thanks God!", Kaidan releases his fits.

«Jack… are you talking about the biotic tattooed girl?», Liara asks.

"Jack… biotic tattoed girl? Oh shit…" Kaidan starts to remember…

«Yep! She is totally crazy and spitfire… but I like her very much, and somehow she had started to enjoy my company too», her smile turns to be a little nostalgic «She was a good friend when I needed to forget my troubles…»  
«Uuuhuu Lola are you sure that the two of you only had 'danced' together?», James tries to poke her, but she gives him the same evil grin she gave to Liara «You know… She is very hot, and maybe I could thought about that sometimes… »

All the men's jaw almost drop at her words and she started to laugh out loud.  
Then she looks at the cards in her hands «Shit, I'm out this turn! Well, I'm going to take another bottle of liquor!», and she gets up.

«I'm out too!», Kaidan discards his cards and follows Shepard at the bar.

«Hey Shepard, were you talking about Jack, the 'Subject Zero'?», Kaidan asks to her when they reach the bar, far from the poker table enough to not be listened by the other people.

She stares at him surprised «Yes… how could y… Oh… Horizon…», she says sadly.

«No, honestly I don't remember her on Horizon, I can barely remember Garrus… My mind was too much confused to notice the other people around you…»

«So…?»

«As a teacher and commanding officer of the Biotic Division I was chosen to introduce her to her students at the Grissom Accademy.»

«Ah! Yes, it makes sense.»

«As I told you I didn't remember her on Horizon, and on her files there was nothing about her working with you and Cerberus on the Normandy. But… she remembered me very well…»

«What do you mean?»

«Well, I can assure you that she cares about you A LOT…»

«Wh… oh… OH… did she…?»

«She stood in front of me and her first words were: 'You're an asshole'.»

Shepard's eyes open wide by surprise, and she bits her bottom lip.

«Don't worry, you're allowed to laugh if you want», Kaidan smiles resigned to her.

She bursts into laughter «Oh God, my dear Jack!»

«Yeah… 'Look, I don't normally throw around compliments. But Shepard was a damn good Commander and a friend, and she didn't deserve what you did to her'», he tries to copy Jack's voice.

Again Shepard looks totally surprised «Did she really told this to you?»

«Of course she did. Then we started arguing about Horizon, she accused me to have abandoned you when you dropped everything when you found out where I was, and all I could do was… to hush her with my biotics, telling her that she didn't know anything about what she was talking about… But now I know that I was wrong, she is your friend, so probably you've told her everything about us…»

Shepard stares at the bottle in her hand, without saying a word.

«Well, at the end she acknowledged to me that at least I've got some balls 'Would've hated to see Shepard fall for a wuss', and after that episode she never talked to me again about you.»  
Shepard makes another little laugh listening to Jack's words.

«No, definitely I would never fall for a wuss!», she smiles back at him «Oddly she didn't told me anything about that.»

«Have you spoken to her lately?»  
«Yes, I went with Garrus and EDI to the Grissom Academy to save them from a Cerberus attack, just before we headed to Tuchanka.»

«Oh shit, are they all right now?»  
«Yes… we managed to save nearly all of the students», then she takes a deep breath.  
«I'm sorry for that… inconvenient… »

«I am not. It was strange… but I was so glad to know that you had had a person like her, who cared about you, watching your six during your fight against the Collectors, when I wasn't there for you.»

She blushes a little «Well… thank you… Anyway, could you feel a little comforted if I tell you that the first thing she did when she saw me at the Academy was to punch me in my face and curse against me and Cerberus?», she smiles again at him.

«Ahahah! Mmm… maybe a little!», he blinks to her.

«Hey guys come back here, we're waiting for you!», Joker calls them back.

They return to the table, and Shepard fills her glass with the liquor.

«So Commander, you've told about your relationship with your… dance teacher! But there weren't any other interesting people in Cerberus' crew?», Traynor tries to investigate.

«Can you enlighten me about the meaning of 'interesting'?», Shepard asks her suspicious.

«Lola I think Samantha wants to know if you have a boyfriend… or a girlfriend!», Traynor blushes at James' words.

«Wh… what?», Shepard can't hide her surprise, and Kaidan's stomach stings again…

«This is not a topic of conversation with your own commanding officer, isn't it?», Garrus' voice sounds very threatening.

Shepard looks at her empty glass for a moment, then she pours the liquor in it and she drinks a toss of it «Well… I… used to… have a boyfriend… a lot of time ago…», her tone is low and uncertain.

Kaidan glares at her almost trembling by concern.

«And then?», Traynor chases her.

«And then… you know… shit happened… I died…», she continues to stare at her empty glass with an indecipherable look in her face.

«But now you're alive again! Didn't you try to contact him again?», Cortez's voice is so gently and calm.

«Oh… somehow… I did… but it… didn't work again…», the glass in her hand seems to be ready to melt down because of her glimpse at it.

"Jesus… what should I do now? What is she thinking now? Damn it… What…", Kaidan is going insane.

«I'm sorry, Commander. Did you loved him? You know, I can exactly understand what are you feeling…», Cortez's eyes turns to be sad too.

«Yes, I know, thanks Steve…»

«I am sorry, Commander, I didn't wanted to…», Traynor face is shattered by embarrass and delusion.

«Wait a minute… Are you telling that… after your death… after Cerberus rebuilt you… you didn't have any other… affair, Lola?», James interrupts them all.

«Yes, why are you so surprised?», Shepard turns to look at him with her right eyebrow raised questioning.

«So you haven't… tested your brand new rebuilt body yet?!», his tone is full of shock.

There comes the silence, all staring at Vega overcome by astonishment, included Kaidan and Shepard.

Then suddenly the Commander bursts into laughter out loud «Oh God, only you could think about such strange things, James! Ahahahah! I would never never never have thought of my… 'brand new rebuilt body' like… like I am a… virgin again! You're a fucking crazy guy!», she's almost crying by her laugh, and the tension in the air vanishes.

Kaidan's mind is further in a mess…

«You know Lola, I'm always ready for you if you want to… inaugurate it!»

«No, thank you, James, you're not the one I want, you know!», she look right in Vega's eyes with a revealing look that shuts him up, making Kaidan's heartbeats faster then ever.

The Lieutenant gives her a smile without any malice «I know Lola, I know!»

«Ok I think I'm done for tonight. Thanks everybody for the nice evening and good night!», Shepard gets up from her seat, making her way towards the door, giving an intense glance to Kaidan before she exits from the door.

_«No, thank you, James, you're not the one I want, you know!»_

Kaidan is overwhelmed again by his own emotions… so the turns his attention on his omnitool, looking for the message he wrote and he sends it.

* * *

Shepard is just arrived in cabin when she notices on her private terminal a new incoming message.

She seats at her desk and opens it: her heart almost stops.

'_Subject: Dinner_

_Hey Shepard,_

_I don't know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Tomorrow we're going to be on the Citadel, so let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo's. It's that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium._

_-Kaidan'_

She can barely breath for the emotion…

"Is it… a request… for a date?"

_«And Shepard… That… isn't over…»_

She inhales deeply, trying to stop shivering, and then she presses on the 'reply' bottom:

'_Re: Subject: Dinner_

_See you there Major._

_-S.S.'_


End file.
